blue

i used to paint my pain in metaphors. what’s under the surface is so rarely seen, and even if a hint floats up from the depths, you can deny. deny, deny, deny. because we can’t let them see how we really feel. we can’t let them truly know us. what if it caused them to worry, what if they wanted to talk about it? what if they didn’t?

i became well-acquainted with my sea-floor. dark and cold and quiet. alone. no oxygen to disturb anyone with. the surface above was calm. smooth sailing. nothing to see here.

how many sunny days did a tsunami rage around me?

i convinced myself that it was better, safer even, to stay there and hide away from the world. and the world didn’t argue. people like you more when you’re easy to handle. low-maintenance. chill. existential crises, unresolved trauma, dark thoughts and feelings — it’s too much. i was too much.

so i committed to becoming a supporting character in my own life. i was good at it, too. it’s surprisingly easy to put yourself last. i was determined to be present, but not demanding. give and no take. the best kind of person.

sometimes, oxygen bubbles would float to the surface. a dark-cloud day. i fought to keep them at bay, desperate to stay simple. i sacrificed myself, over and over. it worked for a while. cthulhu in the darkest parts of me, satiated. but he was hungry. ravenous. and i only had so much to offer.

so i gave it all.

or, i tried. somehow, despite my unrivaled power of isolation, he found me.

it’s kind of a blur, after that, if i’m being honest. after so much time in the inky black, there was light. so much light. flashing, angry red. blinding, searing white. cthulhu wasn’t happy, and i was just so tired.

when i first came here, they asked my name. i stared at them, unsure. i knew the name i was given, but i don’t know that person. i’ve never really been that person. so when they asked again, i told them the first thing that came to my mind.

“Blue.”

i’m sure that messed up their paperwork, or something. i didn’t mean to do that, i don’t mean to cause any trouble. i’m easy to handle. but it just came out.

and it kind of feels right.